i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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