you mean i was at the winter classic?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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