I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
