I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
