sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Houston, we have a blender
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
there is glitter all over my balls
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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