exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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