Don't make out with my wife yet
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
