You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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