I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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