you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
