I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
