census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
