i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
