dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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