does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
