Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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