I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
