Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
