I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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