It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize