God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You dont lie about slip and slides
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
