wrigley field is MILF paradise
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
