dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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