don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
