Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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