I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
