Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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