Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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