matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize