Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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