I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
