im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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