i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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