I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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