I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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