the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
