Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
