I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
