i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
