I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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