hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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