My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
