alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
