I think I just saw someone hide a body.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize