3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize