what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
