I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
even my farts smell like vagina
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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