Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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