did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
