i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
