i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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