So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
