I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
