Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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