Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
