my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
