mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
