The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
