They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize