every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
