And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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