I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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