You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
